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I've been miserable Christian
4 commentsin: Spirituality..23/10/07, 11:16:43 PM
For most of my life as a Christian I`ve been miserable. After 20 years of being a Christian, I realized that I was not happy. I was very devout. I know the Scriptures fairly well. I was probably the ‘best Christian’ I knew. However, I was an ass in my daily life (just ask my wife and kids). I felt angry, unfulfilled and unsatisfied with my spirituality. I never seemed to attain this vision that was in my head as to the way I thought my Christianity was supposed to look. It often felt as though the pursuit of God was like chasing a mirage. Not long ago I realized that this picture of my spirituality was my own imagination playing tricks on me. God wasn`t asking me to be the ‘super-apostle’ that I thought I should be. God freed me to just be. I didn`t have to prove anything. He loves me the way I am, and I can just relax a little more. 20 years of seeking God, but it hardly ever impacted my daily existence. It was always something untouchable, just out of reach. It was like I was trying to live in the life to come or in some other plane of reality, but had no idea how to live on this planet. I didn`t enjoy life in the here and now. I constantly wallowed in the past and obsessed about the future. My search for meaning led me to a dark place. Well, things are changing for me now. God is teaching me to enjoy the moment and embrace where I am and who I am. I’m leaving the future up to Him. For me, dreaming can be a dangerous thing. The picture in my head is always better than what I`m doing today, and so I get discouraged about life. But I`m learning that obsessing over my life is just a lack of trust in God. This thought from Ecclesiastes 6:9 sums up what’s happening with me:
Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don`t have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless, like chasing the wind.
I`m letting go and embracing this life that I have. I`m eager to discover the beauty in this world and to learn more about a variety of subjects. My blog will change to reflect this. I hope to blog often, so please don`t give up on me yet.
Comments
“hi paul,
nice blog. i think i' recognize those feelings about dreams and desires. we got today 2 live.
abraços„
“I think you may be onto something for the next book. Learning to leave each day in what we have been given for that day is a challenge. It was easy to feel good when we had a system that defined for us how to live. We could feel good about the things we did. Resting in the Love we already receive? Well, how do I find fullment in that? Tell me more about this living each day satisfied and redirecting our dreams without compromising our contentment. Thanks for being honest.„
“I too can identify where you are at. After a couple of years since I left the institutional Church and not really knowing where I fit, or what God has planned for me I continually struggle with direction and purpose and end up in dark places. For brief moments I seem to be able to get myself out but these days find it hard to re-establish my connection to God. Honesty is hard to find even outside the walls of the Church.„
“yes brother, I reqognize the journey you are on.
visit sometimes my blog
at
http://www.atomystic.blogspot.com/
or
www.sewa-ashram.org„