Paul Vieira

Eleven years ago this very day, November 2nd, was a day that changed our lives forever. It was the birth of our first child. She lived one hour, and died in our arms. My wife and I named her Hope. Our little girl changed my entire outlook on life. She made eternity real to me because this is where she is, and she is real. My hope in life beyond this world lies with her, and I believe I will see her again. This was the only thing that brought us comfort the days following our tragic loss. The idea that this world is temporary, and that when we die we begin a new reality with those loved ones that we`ve already lost, is a powerful truth that can not be fully known or grasped until we come face to face with death. Loosing our daughter was one of the most important moments of my life so far. This painful experience is when I began to see a side of God that I had never known before.

Yes, for a short moment I considered walking away from my faith. I remember asking my wife Tamara, “Do you think we should walk away from God now that He`s taken our girl from us?” Some of our friends and family wouldn’t believe that God would do this. They were living in verses of scripture that were written for seasons of joy an life, not for times of sorrow and death. They took truth from a different season and tried to apply it to our situation. Some told us that our faith wasn`t strong enough. Others insisted that the devil killed our baby. These may be very real options in other situations, but not in this one. Some of the people around me made the mistake of interpreting the tragedy from a very narrow perspective. They only knew a side of God that blessed and prospered His children. Actually, that`s the only side of God that I knew as well; that is until my daughter died. When you loose someone and somebody tells you that you needed to have more faith, they are telling you that you that you are responsible for their death. This kind of thinking brings a terrible oppression and unnecessary turmoil upon people who are already grieving the loss of their loved one. God is bigger than me and bigger than my ability to believe for a miracle. True faith sees what God is already doing, and what God is doing may not be what we want. My daughter`s death triggered the need for a different depth of faith. Was I going to trust God even though He hurt me?

Yes, God hurt me. You might agree with the friend who told me that the devil stole my child from me. Okay, it might make you feel better to blame the devil, but at the end of the day, who does the devil answer to? Can he just decide to come into my home and kill one of my kids? Does the devil do anything he wants without needing permission from Almighty God. Doesn`t this kind of perspective of the devil`s power on earth elevate him to a God-like status? No. If the devil does anything, he can only do so because God has let him do it. I had to come to the realization that ultimately God was in control and responsible for my daughter`s death, directly or indirectly. It doesn`t really matter. I had to face God and I felt hurt by Him. This was real. I found no comfort in pat Sunday School rhetoric about God being good. I was devastated that this happened. It didn`t have to happen to us, but it did. And God let it happen. So I asked Tamara, “What should we do? Should we walk away from all this?”

My wife looked at me with tears in her eyes, and without any hesitation, she said, “How can we walk away from the only person who can heal us right now?” Her words to me that day were more than just words. They pierced my heart. They carried a truth that I had never seen before; a truth that can only be seen in the season of the “valley of the shadow of death.” It`s a beauty that can only be known when great trial is upon you. Even when you feel God has hurt you, can you still believe, trust and even love Him? It`s a reality that causes your head to bow and the sweet savor of humility to fill your heart. You come to this very sober and yet comforting realization, “I must go back to the hand that hurt me, to heal me.” When you go back, you don`t need answers. You give God the space to be God. You lay it all down; the hurt, the disappointment, the anger, your judgment, and your right to know “why”. There is no “why”. This is not about “why”. You know you love someone deeply when you can trust them even when it may appear that the opposite is true, that they look untrustworthy. I`ve never known my faith to be stronger than in that moment that I said “God is still good.” It`s a faith that you don`t see in good times or even the faith that goes with miracles. It`s believing that God is trustworthy even when everything around is shouting to you that He`s not. God helped us love Him and trust Him anyway. He helped us to let Him heal us, and He did this primarily through giving us four more healthy and beautiful kids. The last two are twin girls!

Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces;
now he will heal us.
He has injured us;
now he will bandage our wounds.
In just a short time he will restore us,
so that we may live in his presence.
Oh, that we might know the Lord!
Let us press on to know him.
He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn
or the coming of rains in early spring.
Hosea 6:1-3